Hey all!
I just turned 28 (an hour ago), and itās nice to use this opportunity. Letās say that the 28th year is going to be The Year of Self-Care.
So, this is going to be a journal about self-care.
The previous two journals worked well ā I learned about consistent waking-up time and partly fixed my insomnia w/ šø Emilyās insomnia journal, and got much better at creating new routines w/ šø Emilyās tasks journal. So I have trust in this journal as well.
happy birthday!! 
By the end of the week I mostly forgot that itās a Year or Self Care. I wish it was more prominent in my mind.
Maybe a phone background will work for a while.
I bought fluffy socks. See above. I like them. If you have recommendations for the best ever fluffy or fuzzy socks / clothes in general (not itchy), send them my way.
Also bought more teas.
Went to visit someone in a different town, but just for one day so that I would still have another weekend day left & wouldnāt break the Sunday routines.
Avoided engaging in a discussion that I knew would irritate me.
Used earphones to block distracting/annoying things (I rarely do this).
Using a food tracker as the first step towards āthree meals a dayā. I donāt have high hopes for it, because I also have screen time tracking and it hasnāt helped with reducing screen time. But weāll see.
Using a mood tracker (Apple Health). I also donāt see how it might help, but I like the actual process of recording the mood, so Iāll keep using it.
In two weeks Iāll start another āmonth without caffeineā and weāll see if I can spot a difference in my mood.
Didnāt, because it leads to headaches & sleepiness & low energy.
Had an appointment with a psychiatrist re/ ADHD, maybe heāll also recommend something re/ anxiety.
I donāt want to use the forum gratitude journal, so I might use my diary as a gratitude journal. I wonāt be creating a routine for now, though, to avoid routine overload.
āI feed bad, I will buy a [chocolate wafer] for myself.ā A yogurt. Crepes.
PHONE BACKGROUND:
The phone background is vaguely working. I keep being anxious about things (like being stuck with a job that doesnāt pay enough) and then remembering āthis is a Year of Self Care, not a Year of Finding a Better Jobā. It calms me down.
GRATITUDE JOURNAL:
I donāt think a gratitude journal is working, but also Iām not doing it consistently. I very rarely feel an unambiguous feeling of ābeing gratefulā. Maybe eventually Iāll start feeling it more.
MEDS:
Hoping that ADHD & anxiety meds would have a big impact on my mood / quality of life? The next appointment is tomorrow, weāll see what comes out of it.
NO STIMULANTS:
I started the āno stimulants for a monthā experiment, so far it turns out that without caffeine Iām sleepier and my bones ache. Also it happened twice that I played Civ 6 till 5-7am. Not sure if decreased willpower (?) is a symptom of giving up caffeine, or unrelated. I also feel vaguely.. calm and empty-headed, but in a sad way. Idk. Anyway, Iām sleepy right now so maybe I actually generally donāt feel like that.
NO DRINKING:
Nowadays even small amounts of alcohol give me a headache, so I donāt drink anymore. Nice.
SELF-CARE:
I occasionally spot āoh, my mood is going downā and then do something nice for myself, like buying a snack or making tea. I also justify more things via self-care, like āI wonāt be working at home, because I will be irritated.. because self-care.ā
GRATITUDE JOURNAL:
doing it very occasionally. Still not noticing any particular changes.
MEDS:
got Strattera, I think it has improved my internal state. Judging by the mood log (although itās too early to tell), looks I donāt feel bad as often as before.
NO STIMULANTS:
I feel ok without caffeine. Zero idea if it improved my sleep, b/c now Strattera made it worse again. I donāt feel a need for caffeine now but I am looking forward to drinking coffee again. Not thinking about vaping at all is kinda neat though.
NO DRINKING:
still nice. Removed ātiny barsā from my Tinder profile.
SELF-CARE:
occasionally doing things ābecause self-careā, but maybe not really. However, Iām bad at noticing changes in myself anyway.
I think the big things I can do for myself are āsleep betterā, āget anxiety medsā, and ātake things less seriously in general in lifeā. The last one is going to be long-term.
GRATITUDE JOURNAL:
I only do it when Iām writing these updates. No motivation.
MEDS:
I think Strattera is making life somewhat easier. Tasks get done with less resistance. I still want anti-anxiety meds though. Or anti-depressants. I donāt know. Seems like perhaps often my mood is ok simply because Iām pushing the upsetting things out of my mind..?
NO STIMULANTS:
I still feel ok without caffeine/vaping. Perhaps after the month is over, I can have a thing like ācoffee only in social situationsā. But Iām not sure how much it contributes to a sense of a calmer life.
NO DRINKING:
yeah, still glad about it. This is not a āmaking life happierā kind of thing, but definitely an āavoiding adverse effectsā kind of thing.
BETTER SLEEP:
after the clock went back, I got an extra hour before work. So I get up at 7am now, a bit before the alarm, and have time for breakfast and Overwatch and not having to hurry. Going to sleep at 10.30ā11am might be doable. At least itās doable right now, but a friend is visiting so maybe thatās why.
SOCIAL LIFE:
went hanging out with someone from Tinder and it was fun. Iām worried that I will give up on Tinder / visiting couchsurfers / etc because organizing anything social feels hard. Idk.
SELF-CARE:
still occasionally doing things ābecause self-careā. Bought sweets because I was feeling meh. Went home from work because I forgot a pain-relieving spray ā this is a concrete example of the concept of āself-careā changing the actual behavior; I wouldnāt have returned otherwise.
minor things:
are there books that blame us for having ADD? how horrible
I had a conversation about gratitude the other day. The conclusion was that it is really hard to feel gratitude for the status quo because as humans we just naturally get adapted to things.
For example, you might realize that you should be grateful for being healthy, but until you lay in bed with fever for a couple of days it doesnāt sink in on an emotional level. Or I remember having a knot at a particular part of my body that shall not be further specified, and waiting for the test results over the weekend was one of the most stressful experiences ever. I felt genuine gratitude when the results came back negative the following Monday.
To fight the adaption to the status quo, we can purposefully bring ourselves into uncomfortable situations. Some ideas that may be more or less challenging depending on the type of person you are:
I donāt know if any of that is helpful, but maybe the message is that you donāt have to feel bad that gratitude journaling doesnāt do anything for you. I feel like it never worked for me either, and it makes sense from an evolutionary perspective that it doesnāt.
I meant āas opposed to the prevailing consensus that [adhd behaviors] are bad for you and for people around youā. Like, I donāt encounter an explicitly sympathetic POV anywhere except adhd books.
Nah, I donāt feel bad. I didnāt have any expectations from it anyway.
I still suspect, though, that it might be one of those things that donāt seem to have any effect at first but eventually ātake offā.
Yeah, thereās some research showing that in some situations, like if you try to force it, or do it every day, gratitude journals can backfire!
I cannot imagine a more toxic and harmful attitude than āyou should be grateful!ā Barf! No thanks.
With those kind of thought processes, a person is guaranteed to be miserable and never feel grateful!
But itās not hard to tune into appreciation of what you have, if you purge yourself of the toxic viewpoint that gratitude is like eating your veggies!
can you explain? what kinds of negative views or messages do you get elsewhere?
Iād rather not (at least right now). I donāt think itās a bad line of inquiry, Iām just not feeling like going there.
Fair enough. I have a lot of self-judgment for it that I donāt even realize so it really helps to see your comment - Iām trying to be more aware of this.
I will clarify a bit about ADHD and āexplicit understandingā vs ānot blamingā.
In normal life, I encounter several reactions to ADHD related issues:
Screw-ups are silently ignored. This is the biggest category. People generally donāt tell me āhey, youāre bad for not replying to my emailsā or āwhat took you so long with [this task]ā to my face.
Screw-ups are pointed out kindly, like ādonāt you see this is bad for you?ā. Eg. I had someone tell me that constantly keeping messengers open & getting distracted might prevent me from being productive or achieving my goals. But I felt like the underlying current was āyou should try to stopā.
Screw-ups are pointed out neutrally, like āthis is what the consequences are going to beā. This doesnāt even have to be directed at me. In fact, it might even be generated by me. I know that I hold as truth things like āquick replies are much much better than slow repliesā, or āthe consequences of replying slowly is that people would talk to you lessā, etc. I donāt know where those thoughts came from. I said āprevailing consensusā in my previous post, but honestly I donāt know if itās a consensus, or just something I came up with and saw vaguely confirmed somehow/somewhere/by someone.
Screw-ups are actually treated as personal failures. āYou forgot about X, Iām disappointed/angry/etcā. Iām lucky to not have to deal with this often, I think.
Now, in contrast, here is a quote from āDriven to Distractionā (a book about ADHD):
In some ways [ADD without hyperactivity] is a charming symptom. The mind meanders like a brook, winding through the contours of the land, bending here, falling there, quietly making its way, in its own time, to some larger river of thought.
But in other ways it is anything but charming. It can be downright disabling not to be able to rely on your own mind to remember things, to prompt you to get to places on time, to keep you involved in a conversation when you want to be, or focused on a page you really do want to read, or concentrated on a project you need to complete.
Likeā¦ it doesnāt persuade me to try harder either for my sake or othersā sake; doesnāt want anything from me. It just makes me seen. āYour brain is missing a basic ability that othersā brains haveā. Stated like this, explicit kindness or forgiveness is just unnecessary. I donāt feel the need to be forgiven any more than (stealing an example from the book again) a nearsighted person needs to be forgiven for needing glasses.
No idea if I explained it clearly, but Iāve been writing this for half an hour already so Iāll stop for now.
GRATITUDE JOURNAL:
I keep finding more things to be grateful about. Itās pretty neat. I still think it might have long-term effect, so Iām not going to officially give up.
MEDS:
Iāve become calmer with Strattera, more self-accepting, less high-strung. I think. Also neat. I donāt know why Iāve been at 18mg for the last month when people usually start with 40mg and quickly get to 80mg, but unfortunately there are still no appointment slots so I canāt discuss this with my psychiatrist. Ok. Later.
NO STIMULANTS:
Decided to just not smoke or vape at all. Itās going to be fine. Also, drank some coffee today after a month without caffeine, and almost instantly felt anxious. I will keep this in mind.
BETTER SLEEP:
Met someone and now sleep will be worse for a while. Itās alright / worth it. It does go against the goal of self-care, but ok.
NOT BEING HUNGRY:
It already happened a few times that I explicitly bought food / made food / etc āso that I wouldnāt be hungryā. I usually donāt think about the future, so itās a welcome change and I look forward to.. explicitly managing my mood?.. more often. A few months ago I made a memo that āI have no idea what to do when I feel bad or how to stop myself from feeling badā, but it looks like now I have at least one actionable idea, so thatās good.
minor things:
The caffeine experiment is over. According to the mood journal, my mood didnāt change when I went from 400-600mg/day to zero. But at the same time I still know that itās very easy for me to not notice basically anything about myself; regardless of whether I feel good or bad, I perceive it as āyeah, this is fineā. I donāt feel happier without caffeine, but I think I feel calmer, and I want to feel calmer even if it doesnāt translate into happiness.
I definitely feel better when I have rich interactions with people, though. Working together / collaborating on something, playing board games, watching a movie and often pausing to discuss, walking, traveling, running somewhere, cuddling, anything. For now I wonāt think about how to actually accomplish this, but Iāll just leave it as a note.
Iād like to not fall into spirals when I watch YouTube for many hours several days in a row. Idk how not to do that.
GRATITUDE JOURNAL:
When you constantly fail to reach a goal, you need a different goal. I donāt want to do a gratitude journal every day, but once a week ā I already more or less end up doing that when writing these updates. So Iāve just set a weekly reminder.
MEDS:
Iām constantly sleepy. I donāt know if Strattera is to blame. Iāll have another appointment soon and will see if I can get the dose increased / if I can get anti-anxiety meds.
ANXIETY:
I think I have a slightly better attitude towards anxiety now. āI have anxietyā has been helpful. āAnxiety is just a thing that happens to meā is new, and might also turn out to be helpful.
NO STIMULANTS:
Still not smoking, still not vaping; I already noticed that coffee causes anxiety, but it was much more effective to notice that coffee also acts as a laxative. So, mostly drinking decaf now.
BETTER SLEEP:
Sleep is still bad for the same reason as before. Also, I know that naps are bad for me, but I still take naps when Iām sleepy during the day. Itās cold in Warsaw now and I donāt have āgo outā as a particularly convenient alternative to napping anymore. Thereās not much to do outside, either. One thing Iām glad about is that I now believe that being sleepy at 11pm is normal, and that going to bed in the evening is entirely possible for me ā while previously I thought that I would never be content with going to sleep earlier than 1am.
minor things:
Itās nice that Anki makes me have at least one chore that I can do on my phone and that doesnāt feel destructive like YouTube / news.
Itās getting easier for me to prioritize self-care in favor of work. āIāll wash my hair now because Iām annoyed, even though itās working hoursā.
Looking back ā I think Iāve gotten better at self-care in the past months.
I remember how drinking/smoking/caffeine affects me, and itās much easier to not go in circles thinking āI feel bad, should I smoke or notā.
Going to sleep early, and waking up, have become easier. Things like āI feel bad so Iāll go and eat somethingā have become easier as well. I no longer reliably run out of money. Iāve stopped blaming myself as often for ignoring scary tasks. I think Iāve started taking things less seriously in general.
Telling people no (eg. couchsurfers), or running away from people when Iām feeling bad, became easier too. Iāve accepted that my mood can change for no reason, and itās nice.
I skipped the previous weekly update because I skipped everything that week. Donāt remember why exactly anymore. This week Iām slowly getting my routines back.
I think getting a therapist would be good for me, because there are changes in [things I care about, etc] that happened kinda by themselves over the years, and itās possible a therapist can help me get [other good changes] faster. For example ā I would be less anxious if I didnāt feel like I canāt solve anything all the time. Anxiety might be less built-in than ADHD, for me.
Did a tiny portion of a CBT anxiety workbook.
Didnāt go to a christmas party at work, because I had a fever.
Got a haircut and coloring! (and paid way too much but I like it).
Got more magnesium.
Bought an Instax Mini to take physical photos of chats that give me anxiety (so that thereās a reward for replying). Another example of āspending money to help myselfā.
Idk what to say. I think Iāve gotten better at tracking when I could use some self-care, and then actually doing it.
The next step is probably treating my limitations / mood swings / etc more kindly ā like I would want myself to treat other people, or like I would want other people to treat each other. For example, āitās tough to enjoy life when you have no energy in winter and feel sleepy right after workingā, instead of āgoing to sleep is the wrong thing to do and you/I shouldnāt do it or else life will be badā.
